ART OF THE EDGE
By Michael Lee, MA
My first yoga experience was not pleasant. I noticed how incredibly inflexible my body was and how much it hurt. I began to doubt if yoga was really for me. I also had difficulty coordinating my body and breath, and I seemed to be experiencing pain, not the ecstasy that was promised. Nevertheless, I dutifully struggled along with each class. One day, I found myself experiencing intolerable levels of discomfort, even in postures we held for only a short time. I would engage the stretch and it was as if my body would throw me right out again. I was trying and my trying was not working.
Ever the pragmatist, I decided to conduct a little experiment. I would not try so hard. I allowed myself to ease into postures until there was only mild, even tolerable, discomfort. But after doing this a while, I began feeling guilty. I was not doing my best. I was taking the easy way out. I felt bad and so went back to trying hard again, only to find the guilt replaced by frustration, anger, and even more pain. Then I had another flash of inspiration. What lay between trying and not trying? Excited by this new possibility, I moved into the next posture and tentatively sought out that in between place of not too much and not too little. Initially it was hard to find. First I had to resist my tendency to try harder, then the temptation to back off too much. As I watched myself exploring this edge, I was able to feel the uncomfortable yet inviting feeling of entering a void of "in betweenness.” Images, sensations, and even new awareness seemed to come to me. I was somewhere in between being the “doer” and the “reciever” of the yoga posture. At the edge I was also somewhere in between “wilfulness” making it happen, and “surrender” letting it happen.
New perspective
Within days, my yoga practice took on a whole new meaning. As I found my edge in various postures I began to notice various feelings coming up as I hung out there. Somehow these feeling seemed to be connected to my life.
One day, right there at my edge, I experienced my fear of not being a good enough father. As I played the edge, I was able to let my body and myself soften into being comfortable with inexperience, imperfection, and even insecurity in life and in my father role. Tears of bliss ran across my cheeks. Another day I saw how my identity was tied to my work. Being at the edge this day, had produced the uncomfortable feeling of 'not doing'. Not being in a doing mode left me feeling naked of my identity. I stepped into the edge of that vulneralble feeling and came through to the other side.
I saw that I was more than just an identity. And again with the experience of profound bliss. Once I accepted the edge, my need to be “doing” seemed to disappear along with the need to run away, and, paradoxically, the more I accepted my edge, the more I seemed able to effortlessly accomplish things. I was going futher into my yoga postures and not experiencing pain. Translating the learning from the yoga postures to life situations was a wonderful experience wherever the opporutnity occurred. The edge was my new teacher.
Michael Lee, MA.,is the founder of Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy. With a professional background in education and psychology he has practiced and taught yoga for over 20 years. For more information on Michael contact: Web: www.pryt.com Email: moreinfo@pryt.com Phone: 800 288 9642